I am currently procrastinating on studying. I really just don’t feel like applying myself right now. Although I know that what I am about to study (Psychometrics) does in fact fascinate me. It is less about the content and more about my current state of mind. Last night our 7-month-old was teething hard. We have also been trying to get her on more of schedule. So where in the past I might have went in and soothed her, she screamed a little…a lot.
I have been kind of irritable. She was awake as always by 6:00AM despite her being awake through the night. Gosh this frustrates me. To be honest my wife took the lead this morning. I was fading in and out on the bed and would play with her a little. One time I was fading and she started just yelling and yelling. In a winey voice as if I was a child I turned and said “shuttttupppp Violet.” Immediately I knew I was being irrational.
By now I could feel the turmoil boiling inside of me. I know this feeling far to well. In fact, I am sitting with it right now and it is partly why I am sitting here to put this down. When I am like this EVERYONE annoys me. My dog will look at me and want attention not even doing anything wrong at all and I will be annoyed with her. The one who gets it the worst though is my wife. Ugh…. ‘get away from me shame so I can type about this’…. I got out of bed after my wife and baby went back to sleep and started to do my morning routine of making breakfast and getting coffee and doing a little clean up. Sometimes depending on our schedule my wife and I will flip-flop this role but generally the morning is mine because I need that space to snap out of my moodiness.
This morning while I was preparing her smoothie and capping it before I put it in the fridge, I was reminded of a time that I was busy one morning and she did the morning routine. I was again in a mood and was ready to eat, as I had been outside moving snow. When I got back inside the smoothie was not blended. It was assembled waiting in the fridge. I got so annoyed! Who does that!? Why not take the extra step to blending the stupid thing!? Her logic was totally sound in that she did not want it to get nasty sitting there waiting for me not knowing how long I’d take. I still don’t think it would have but if you know my wife than you know that she wants to make me happy; to a fault sometimes. We had been in a little state of disagreement for the days prior and she was trying to avoid the wrath of Frankie. Regardless of what she did she probably would have got it, and that is precisely why I am typing this right now.
It was not about what my wife did to provoke me. It was about me. It always has been. For about a year now I have been working with this life changing epiphany that when someone else can take me out of my peace, it is more than likely something to do with myself. I use my wife and our mornings as the example because it is the most obvious to show this. I am miserable in the morning. I am irritable and aggressive and I know and she knows that I do need space to work through my own inner turmoil in the mornings. I have some theories of where this aggression comes from, and have been able to tone it down quite a bit but the point of this is to say that there is nothing she is or isn’t doing to elicit this in me. It is in me.
Now to take this outside of the family. We all have those people in our life that really bug us or parts of people that really make us want to kick them in the teeth. The life changing concept I have found is to look inward in these moments. More often than not…actually every single time if I am willing to gut check myself hard enough, I find that if I allow someone to take me out of my peace then it is really something that I don’t like about myself or I am ashamed of.
There was this Marine who hung out with my circle of friends. If he finds himself reading this, he will probably know its about him. “Hi.” Anyways, he really pissed me off. For the most part he never did anything directly to me. He was always just loud and tried really hard to be “it.” Don’t we all? To be quite honest he reminded me of a louder version of me. At the time I could not acknowledge that though. All I knew was that the second he came into the room I would become extremely irritated by the way he acted. Eventually there was a falling out. During this falling out I took it as a window to tell him that I never liked him, and only dealt with him because my friend liked him. I could really careless about the topic of the falling out. What happened in me was that I finally had a reason to lay into him and be justified. If I did it before than I would look like an idiot because I would be saying I don’t like myself in attempt to tell him I don’t like him.
So why does he annoy me so much? What Is it about me that I don’t like about him? During the time in my life that he was in it I used to always have something to say. I would find the image I wanted to create and I would create it and wear it loudly and proudly. I convinced myself that I was the shit and I would sell what I was doing. I still, to do this day, struggle with this concept. I want to have the “it” information to give to people or the trending song or whatever. Getting on this blog is a huge therapeutic step for me in that I am just writing how I truly feel and think regardless of if it will sell. This is me. The real, raw, unashamed me. I am constantly talking to my close circle about my tendencies to want to be the center of attention with the “go to” things to say. I am literally gut checking myself right now by typing that. Nate, annoyed me so much because from my perspective it seemed like he did that too. Whether he was or was not is none of my business. All I know is that his actions elicited these feelings in me and I handled them poorly because I was not okay with myself. I was selling what I wanted people to buy not what was at the core of my being. What was at the core of my being would take making a hard look at myself and seeing how ugly I could really be.
My goal with putting this out here is to make myself known. Not for the fame but to humble myself. I don’t want to not like people. I don’t want to not like myself. I want to love myself and in return love all of my human brothers and sisters. We all share the same symptoms of being human and desire for love and affection. I would like to be a lover of all men but I can’t do that without first loving the person who will be staring back at me when I shut this screen off.