Looking Inward

I am currently procrastinating on studying. I really just don’t feel like applying myself right now. Although I know that what I am about to study (Psychometrics) does in fact fascinate me.  It is less about the content and more about my current state of mind. Last night our 7-month-old was teething hard. We have also been trying to get her on more of schedule. So where in the past I might have went in and soothed her, she screamed a little…a lot.

  I have been kind of irritable. She was awake as always by 6:00AM despite her being awake through the night. Gosh this frustrates me.  To be honest my wife took the lead this morning. I was fading in and out on the bed and would play with her a little. One time I was fading and she started just yelling and yelling. In a winey voice as if I was a child I turned and said “shuttttupppp Violet.” Immediately I knew I was being irrational.

 By now I could feel the turmoil boiling inside of me. I know this feeling far to well. In fact, I am sitting with it right now and it is partly why I am sitting here to put this down. When I am like this EVERYONE annoys me. My dog will look at me and want attention not even doing anything wrong at all and I will be annoyed with her.  The one who gets it the worst though is my wife. Ugh…. ‘get away from me shame so I can type about this’…. I got out of bed after my wife and baby went back to sleep and started to do my morning routine of making breakfast and getting coffee and doing a little clean up. Sometimes depending on our schedule my wife and I will flip-flop this role but generally the morning is mine because I need that space to snap out of my moodiness.

This morning while I was preparing her smoothie and capping it before I put it in the fridge, I was reminded of a time that I was busy one morning and she did the morning routine. I was again in a mood and was ready to eat, as I had been outside moving snow. When I got back inside the smoothie was not blended. It was assembled waiting in the fridge. I got so annoyed! Who does that!? Why not take the extra step to blending the stupid thing!? Her logic was totally sound in that she did not want it to get nasty sitting there waiting for me not knowing how long I’d take. I still don’t think it would have but if you know my wife than you know that she wants to make me happy; to a fault sometimes. We had been in a little state of disagreement for the days prior and she was trying to avoid the wrath of Frankie. Regardless of what she did she probably would have got it, and that is precisely why I am typing this right now.

It was not about what my wife did to provoke me. It was about me. It always has been. For about a year now I have been working with this life changing epiphany that when someone else can take me out of my peace, it is more than likely something to do with myself. I use my wife and our mornings as the example because it is the most obvious to show this. I am miserable in the morning. I am irritable and aggressive and I know and she knows that I do need space to work through my own inner turmoil in the mornings. I have some theories of where this aggression comes from, and have been able to tone it down quite a bit but the point of this is to say that there is nothing she is or isn’t doing to elicit this in me. It is in me.

Now to take this outside of the family. We all have those people in our life that really bug us or parts of people that really make us want to kick them in the teeth. The life changing concept I have found is to look inward in these moments. More often than not…actually every single time if I am willing to gut check myself hard enough, I find that if I allow someone to take me out of my peace then it is really something that I don’t like about myself or I am ashamed of. 

There was this Marine who hung out with my circle of friends. If he finds himself reading this, he will probably know its about him. “Hi.” Anyways, he really pissed me off. For the most part he never did anything directly to me. He was always just loud and tried really hard to be “it.” Don’t we all? To be quite honest he reminded me of a louder version of me. At the time I could not acknowledge that though. All I knew was that the second he came into the room I would become extremely irritated by the way he acted. Eventually there was a falling out.  During this falling out I took it as a window to tell him that I never liked him, and only dealt with him because my friend liked him.  I could really careless about the topic of the falling out. What happened in me was that I finally had a reason to lay into him and be justified. If I did it before than I would look like an idiot because I would be saying I don’t like myself in attempt to tell him I don’t like him.

So why does he annoy me so much? What Is it about me that I don’t like about him? During the time in my life that he was in it I used to always have something to say. I would find the image I wanted to create and I would create it and wear it loudly and proudly. I convinced myself that I was the shit and I would sell what I was doing. I still, to do this day, struggle with this concept. I want to have the “it” information to give to people or the trending song or whatever. Getting on this blog is a huge therapeutic step for me in that I am just writing how I truly feel and think regardless of if it will sell. This is me. The real, raw, unashamed me.  I am constantly talking to my close circle about my tendencies to want to be the center of attention with the “go to” things to say. I am literally gut checking myself right now by typing that.  Nate, annoyed me so much because from my perspective it seemed like he did that too. Whether he was or was not is none of my business. All I know is that his actions elicited these feelings in me and I handled them poorly because I was not okay with myself.  I was selling what I wanted people to buy not what was at the core of my being. What was at the core of my being would take making a hard look at myself and seeing how ugly I could really be.

My goal with putting this out here is to make myself known. Not for the fame but to humble myself. I don’t want to not like people. I don’t want to not like myself. I want to love myself and in return love all of my human brothers and sisters. We all share the same symptoms of being human and desire for love and affection.  I would like to be a lover of all men but I can’t do that without first loving the person who will be staring back at me when I shut this screen off.

Reckoning Yourself Dead

Death is fascinating to think about. So, is life; but is there really a difference? What if we are all already dead or at least not alive in the way that we assume we know it is. By acknowledging life and death we become victims of these two constructs rather than just being. Without death there is no life but when we consume ourselves with the fear of death, we are no longer living and may find ourselves in what some religions may call hell (don’t tell a religious person I took hell off its pedestal, I might end up there! Ah! Shut up!). When we remove fear and live in the present moment as if death has already come, we can enter a state of peace and serenity. What is there to fear now? Is this heaven? Maybe Christianity has it wrong in looking so hard at what is to come in the end. What if the end has already come? And the difference between life and death is a choice to live loved or to live in fear of what has already come.

BUT wait! Our bodies must die to be dead. I am pondering that maybe to die is to live. The Godly figure Paul (formerly Saul) says “to reckon oneself dead of sin (flesh) and alive unto God through Jesus Christ.” If you know me, you know in my mind “God. Is. Love. To understand what I am trying to say here I must ask that you remove any religious mindsets you have but also any mindsets of the opposite direction. So why must we reckon our flesh dead? You want me to assume I am dead? Yes. When our vessel is dead, we are no longer confined to this flesh and thus no longer confined to our human tendency to fear the death of our flesh. I guess what I am getting at is to die could possibly be to be set free from our fear of death. I can’t go any further than this because I have not died. I have however, reckoned myself dead and one with all that is living. During these brief moments of clarity, I have felt without a doubt in my mind a oneness with what is greater than me and it is perfect and good.

I Am Enough!

I am enough! What does that even mean? I feel like anyone knows that the answer to “Are you enough?” should be yes. But what does it really mean to believe that you are enough? How do you accept such a concept without defining it?

                To be enough for myself, would mean to fulfill my desired identity. Boy, that can be a tall glass to fill if I identify with things unreal. I spent a lot of my life attempting to be enough for myself, or the people around me, and at times I felt as though I was (in the eyes of Love I always have been enough so tapping into it through my works does make short-term sense). I still always came back to this rock bottom place of emptiness and self-hatred. In these places I usually would find glimpses of what it means to be enough for myself, but I would always end up trying to fill a false identity to maintain that glimpse. Looking at it now, I just shake my head and laugh at myself because little did I know it was the rock bottom, real, messy, me that was enough; not what I did to crawl out of it. I would be lying if I said that I perfectly now identify with only things real (Love, myself, oneness). It is a constant awareness of true identity that prevents those hard crashes I am so intimately acquainted with. I recently have been realizing that the place of the crash is where I find the realest me. The me without a mask. The me that identifies with nothing other than what is real. This can be very difficult in a world that sells everything other than what is real.

                So then, how do we be enough for the world or people that we love? What if we are just not enough for them? I guess this is really up to the “enougher.” If the “enoughee” can remain with his identity in those things real, he will remember he is innately already enough. So, if the enougher puts anything on the enoughee other than things that are real, then they are more than likely themselves identifying with things of the world (their own insecurities) and not things of the Kingdom (the innate perfection we are born with inside of us) which is inside of them as well.

                The crazy thing is, we are all enougher’s and enoughee’s. It can be easy to draw lines here, but if we are truly looking at ourselves through a lens of enough then we will see our true identity. We will see our true nature and can be made aware of those times (without any judgment) that we may tend to deviate from this innately perfect identity.